Lion Park - Johannesburg

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Yay yay! I went to last weekend to lion park. Didnt get time to upload the pics, here are the few pics 

Here i found the copy of the notice which my mom keeps outside our home

One more with the cub, hey i hav started keeping french beard, somewhat evident in this pic

We also took a lot many photos of the cub alone. If you want some more pics of the cutie cub, you can email me [ ak.bond AT gmail DOT com ]


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Bakwaas band kaam chalu

Thursday, February 26, 2009

You can straightaway tellme that i look like the most vella person on this plannet! People who find the most time killing things, pass them on to me. Yeah in other words tag me and ask me to complete it! Amrita tagged me and here goes the tag..

You gotta write 25 things(WTF!) about yourself. Look the water is getting over my head. I cant write 25 things about myself. I can summarise myself in just two sentences.

1) I am a short, fat,stupid looking, irritating kind of a person who wears a mota sa chashma and have an aweful grown up beard and moustache 

2)I am a bigtime rakhee sawant fan, mainly because of her IQ levels, finally i found someone with matching IQ with me!

Now i covered the tag so fast that the tag-god-followers will thrash me. So why not write 25 things about the topic i can speak volumes about? Guess guess. Or rather lets talk about the thing (?) which i do not have any idea about. Females! Femaes ke naam se I jus remembered a thing(?) so here it goes ..

Long long ago when i was in college, (no no i am not a buddha khoosat uncle, its just that after workinig my asses off 2 years in job i feel like good old days were long long ago). Yeah, so where was i, long long ago when i ws in college, out of our group of about 14-15 people only 2-3 had girlfriends/were committed. 

And knowing my history you must be knowing i was in mehanical engineering department. And since its inception in 1919, IT Bhu's mechanical department never needed a girls loo! So in a utterly girl less department, about 10-11 assumingly macho guys (only they assumed this, rest everyone in the whole college thought them as brainless goondas) formed a league called as League of Extraordinary gentlemen. 

The purpose of this league was to find shortcomings of getting in a commitment and laugh at people who were sticking their ears on their cell phones 24*7. No we did not form a gay club, it was just an angoor khatte hain types of thing. So there was a checklist from which you can identify the committed type ke ladke! 

1)Beer consumption goes down, as*holes start saving to buy chocolates! (Chocolates, fcuk man! gals dont eat it anyways, moti hone ka khatra hota hai usse! :P)

2)Bathing daily (Yuck! as the legend goes, saaf utensils ko sirf kapde se saaf karke unme khana kha lete hain, sirf gande bartan hi dhone padte hain )

3)Phone becomes a part of their ear. Hardly there are a few nanoseconds when they keep the fone aside. No seriously, i have seen people talking on the fone in the washrooms also! they can talk while eating, sleeping, shitting, drinking and when not!

4)College gaya mujhe pyar ho gaya, usne bhi mujhse mera sutta cheen lia...

5)Committed guys were a girl magnet [at that time :( ], so they were often founded in such situations

But thankfully League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is going towards an extinction, with most of the guys being kicked out of it for committing the sin of getting committed!!! 

So i completed the tag in my way, i said something about my IQ levels. Now you must be sure that i spoke geeta pe hath rakhke wala truth! 

Someone wants to pick this tag up? :D

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Stupid Common Man

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Were you born in a familly with political connections? 

Did you go to Kashmir to cover the war with your camera? 

Do you own a big news channel?

If the answer to all the three questions is NO, then you fall into a category of stupid common man and you have no right to say anything against anyone even if other person is wrong.

 You cannot go and beat up girls in any pub. You can not forcefully get people married because they were roaming on the street on valentines day (not even gay couples). You can not beat north Indians who went for writing exams in any western state. You can not ask a person "aapko kaisa mehsus ho raha hai ", "kya aapko rona aa raha hai" just seconds after his/her family is killed in mumbai attacks. 

Shit man! its a dogs life being a stupid common man. 

Why did i write this post. Because i read this (click here to read) and i realized how limited are the rights of a Stupid Common Man(that is me) in India


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Flashback 3-2-1

Monday, February 23, 2009

Day 3 = Today - Maha shivratri in India. So at around 6 pm, johannesburg time, we went out to a hunt for a Temple. Finally with the help of GPS (Does that mean a God Positioning System?) we were able to find God in Johannesburg. It is called Melrose Temple. And i couldnt believe it. Atleast 100 cars were parked on the roads leading to the temple. Each human you could spot was an Indian. Although most of them were south Indian. Hw do i know? First, their moustache, second i can understand few words of telgu :) It was an amazing experience. Although i am not so religious types, but these little things help me to connect with my world out there in India. 

Day 2 = Yesterday - We went to Fordsburg. It is an Indian dominated area. There is a small market called Fordsburg Square. It is a mini palika bazaar in Johannesburg. Every(Indian)thing you can imagine is available here in cheapest prices. Hindi movies, hindi songs, Parachute hair oil, Dabur amla kesh tel, chawanprash, and even saree clad females!  I had 2 of my fav things in the world. Chai and then Paan. Yeah after living 4 years in Banaras, i love paan and chai so much, much more than how mihir loved tulsi! BTW here they sell DVDs of all K serials and Award shows! So that you dont miss anything!

Day 1 = day before yesterday - Delhi6 - Yeah i paid 300Rs (after conversion) for ticket and drove some 20kms to watch this movie. Why? Its title had Delhi in it, so even by rakhi sawant IQ standards you can guess that they will show saddi dilli for atleast 10 mins. I dont care how the movie was, i just loved those old roads, green yello autos, clumsy roads. cows walking, phew! I miss those traffic jams, those polluted roads, hindi mein gaaliyan, weekend pe ghoomna, everything! 

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khud hi soch le title

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I mean its a real weird thing writing titles for the post. You write a blog in 5-8 minutes and then spend whole night thinking about the title?? Damn! By the way i thought a few titles for this post "Bhagti bhootni ka bhatija" , " Sade hue ande ka jam", " machar ne failaya mangal grah par kahar" but then this is a family blog and i dont write about controversial topics here. What about my female fans! CHATAAK!! oh the stupid little angel flying near my right ear just slapped me. "Aukaat mein aa ja sale"

I was looking at my blog after a long time, the coffee cup on the top is cold now, i would like to change that image to something nice, probably a beer mug or a jack daniels? CHATAAK!! Ah.. my mom just emailed me a slap.. phew

I miss India TV here, specially the awesome tadakti bhadakti news on it. Specially the one where they announce aliens will come and take himesh with him. My pados wali aunty distributed 101 rs ke laddu on that day. I was searching on the net for some of the most happening news on India TV. Here are the images 

If you didnot see India Tv, you are missing a big part of your adventurous life. Did you ever imagine that ghosts steal your clothes?

UFO ne aasmaan se kheench li gaaay (i knw what you are thinking, but this word means cow not gay)

Go and ask kartina, uske baap ko bhi nahi pata hoga kab uska rishta salman ke ghar pahuncha!!!

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Delhi Police vs Billu Barber

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Can you guess the similarity between Delhi Police and the movie Billu Barber?

Delhi police - With you for you always

Billu Barber - With Shahrukh For shahrukh Always

This movie is nothing but blatant advertising for SRK. I am sorry to disappoint SRK fans but almost every scene has either SRK, or posters of his past movies or someone hanging his foto and praying to him like god! For the rarest of the rare scenes where these things are not available, you can easily find people talking about him or trying to copy him. Instead of spending so much money on shooting etc it would have been better and easier to print a full size foto of sharukh on every national, regional, local newspaper. That torture would have been far lesser than the 3 hour torture in the hall. 

Irfan babu has tried to pull the movie but the SRK overdose is too much to pull it back . Instead of SRK if the director had casted Miss Rakhee Sawwant ji and kept her 2-3 dance items, the movie would have been a super duper hit. Even lara dutta was looking awesome even as a mother of two. 

If the money is still ringing in your pocket and you wanna spend it, do not spend it on this movie. Instead take any gal out for some date. (i feel so sorry for mechanical engineer bhai bandus, they dont even know how to ask a gal out for date, mujhe kaise pata? main khud bhi ek mechanical engineer hun, thats why i went for the movie damnit !!) 

I just go for hindi movies in this place to see some Indian faces. After every movie, they clean the hall and the amount of litter is less than a small plastic bag. But when some hindi movie is going on, the halls in johannesburg employ about 20 people to clean the hall!! And the litter is about half truck full. LOL. And i go to the hall to see some Hindustanipana. People sitting on the stairs instead of seats, some lewd comments on the chammak challo on the screen. Some whistling, some shouting! Shit i miss India :(


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Ghor kalyug!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Ramchandra kah gaye siya se, aisa kalyug aayega

15 saal ki amma hogi, ladka 13 mein baap ban jayega!! (click here to read the full story)

When you see such kids, you feel really good that you parents thrashed u and kept you with tommy in the kennel whenever you did wrong things. This story is extremely astonishing and embarrasing. Thinking ahead, this kid can become a grand dad in 26, or probably sooner! The day isnt far my friend, when the kindergarten kids in such countries wont buy toys to play in childhood, they can produce babies to play with!

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Happy Valentines day

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentines day. What can be a more better way than this song to express love!




Can someone please send me the audio version of this song ?  my id is  fattebaz @ gmail.com
UPDATE: Thanks khushi for sending me the song 

What guys talk

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Hey you girls wondering out there, what guys talk when they are free. You are also an important topic but we have other extra celestial things to discuss. Here is an excerpt from the conversation between some of my college friends. Their codenames are written in the last coloumn

Differences between Cutlet and Alu Chaap

1.

Cutlet to bun mein daal do to burger bann jata hai...aur aloo chaap ko bun mein daal do to Vada Pav ban jata hai...

Teddy

2.

Cutlet kisi bhee khadya vastu ka ban sakta hai jasie corn cutlet etc… lekin Aalo Chap sirf aur sirf Aalo se banega( kyonki tabhee ye Aalo chap kehlayega )

Potter

3.

Cutlet mein besan ka prayog nahi hota jabki aloo chaap mein hota hai.

Teddy

4.

Cutlet ka rang sunhara bhoora hota hai… jabki Aalo chap ke rank peela se lekar matmella peela tak ho sakta hai.

Potter

5.

Cutlet angrezon ki shabdawali se nikla ek shabd hai...jisko kaafi chochlebaazi jaise ki kaanta churi ke saath khaate hain...

    On the contrary, Aloo Chaap chaapne ke liye banaa hai jaise hi mile chaap jao...isko khaane ke liye koi tehzeeb ki zaroorat nahin 

Ish

6.

Censored :)

Teddy

7.

Aloo Chaap garibi mein bhi amiri ka prateek hai... 

and cutlet amiri mein garibi ka prateek hai. 

Ish

8

Cutlet khatein hain to 1-2 mein mann bhar jata hain…

Lekin aaloo chap 3-4 khaye bina mannn nahi bharta….. 

Mangal

9

Cutlet sauces ke sath pesh kiya jaye to badiya lagta hai…

Lekin Aloo Chaap ko Hari Pudine wali chatni mein lappet ke khao jo maja aa jata hai…. 

Mangal

10

Cutlet (ofcourse along with the bread) is listed in IRCTC breakfast menu...but aloo chap generally comes during evening tea

Teddy

11

Agar cutlet 60 watt ka bulb hai to aalo chap lalten hai jo bina bijli ke gaon valon ka sathi hai.

Potter

12

Cutlet as being a chonchlebazee vala item chonchlebazi valee jagahon per bahutayat se milega…

  but its desi bro Aalo Chap is a country fellow and will be available in abundance in road side tapris 

Potter

13

Cutlet upaar she kurkura(crispy) hota hai jabki aaloochap poora mulayam hota hai

Charlie

Hehe.. now you know what guys talk


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Indians aint Slum Dogs!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

If you go and talk to any tourist who comes to India, " Yo firangi, why have you come to India?" , in 99% of the cases, his reply would be " To see poor India, Hungry India" !! Damnit!!

And some people just to earn money, make movies which potray India as slum and poor Indians as Slum Dogs!! This is certainly not acceptable! You have the right to go and make any movies which have a good story and nice music track but not at the cost of demeaning a great country!!

Leave about the firangi director, but where was the conscience of the Indian counterparts of the movie? Instead of showing the progressing economy and the rich culture, all you do is potray Indians as slum dogs out of which one guy goes out and becomes a millionaire. Crap!

I was thinking of how to give you a befitting reply, but then i remembered the dialogue from the movie namaste london

"Mr PringIe, he'd Iike to tell you something about India...

When we greet one another, we foId our hands in namastey... because we beIieve...

that God resides in the heart of every human being.

We come from a nation where we allow a lady of Catholic origin... 
to step aside for a Sikh to be sworn in as Prime Minister...
to a Muslim President to govern a nation of over 80 percent Hindus.

It may aIso interest you to know that...

many of the origins to your words come from Sanskrit.

For example, maatr becomes mother...bhratr becomes brother, giamiti becomes geometry, trikonniti becomes trigonometry.

We have 5600 newspapers... magazines in over twenty-one different Ianguages...

with a combined readership of over 120 miIIion.

We have reached the moon and back, but yet...

you people still feel that we've only reached as far as the Indian rope trick

We are the third largest pool in the word of doctors, engineers and scientists.

Maybe your grandfather didn't tell you that... we have the third largest army in the world.

And even then, I foId my hands in humility before you...

because we don't beIieve we are above or beneath any individual.

And... Namastey!"

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Valentines week

Monday, February 09, 2009





I went to the famous Sun City this weekend . (Haan wahi sun city jaha Aishwarya bhabhi Miss univese bani thi). Will post more update about it in the next post. By the way, valentine's week has started. So here are the details for the unknown
7th rose day
8th propose day
9th chocolate day
10 th teddy day
11 th promise day
12 th kiss day
13 th hug day
14 th valentine day
The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in this supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" the woman asked.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Five things i dont like about Johannesburg

Thursday, February 05, 2009

So its been almost 4 weeks i came to Johannesburg. no! Today its exact 1 month i came here.. During the last 4 weeks i made some observations about what i liked in this country and what not. Before reading further i must warn you these are my personal favourates, you can either agree with them or you can agree with them.!

1) There is absolutely no arrangement of water near shitpots. All these guys use is toilet papers. You can accept it or make faces, but like you, i am an Indian, and i dont feel good if there is no water around! Remedy - Ever heard the village folks in the earlier days used Lota.. yes, start using that when you are here!

2)Hindustani Firangis - Ok you guys have been settled here for past couple of years or maybe 2-3 years more than that, but how can you forget hindi in such a short duration? All they know is the heavily_fake_accented_english which even they cant understand! Remedy - I call up my friends in India and jus say " Tereko hindi mein jitni gaali aati hai de de.. mann bechain ho raha hai hindi sunne ko" phew .. its really a great stress buster u know!

3)This is hillarious. People here can eat even roti with knife and fork! I mean gimme a break, how can you eat roti with fork n knife? Its not pizza dude! Thats a total Rakhi sawant type of behaviour! Doing weird things just to show off?

4)An excess of hot chicks - First week, you feel good. But after that it becomes saturated. You dont like small micromini wearing babes anymore. All you look out for one Indian face to look at. Thats where my collection of 250GB of hindi movies comes to rescue me. Phew.. From the hindi movies i remember, i wish is i should have gotten some Rajnikant movies also. :P

5)Alcohol is cheaper than milk! The rates of Alcohol are almost 1/5 or sometimes 1/6 as compared to India! Thats a great news for friday night and saturday night but what about rest of the week? Grocery and vegetables rates are skyrocketing here! Phew. And if you are a pure vegetarian, then god save you!


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Egg Bomb

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Remember, never keep eggs to boil in a microwave oven. Otherwise they can burst anytime, like it happened with me today morning :( 

(click here to see a larger image)

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